K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
