When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
