I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
