I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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