I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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