So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
