I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
