I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
