'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
