last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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