I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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