there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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