ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
