I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize