I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
A+ Viking dick
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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