I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
