a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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