she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
