I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
