My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize