All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize