It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
