just tell him i said nine months
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i wish my penis had a tongue
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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