I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
