sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
