somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
what day is it and did you see me today?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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