I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
