i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Apparently you make a good broom.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
