my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So much rum. So many feels.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
