I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
