Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
