Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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