the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
