Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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