I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Randomize
