Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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