My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
