instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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