Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I understand Curling. That high.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
