Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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