ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
