Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
