You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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