Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
