You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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