i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
