We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
