Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
