You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize