I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
