Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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