You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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