Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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