i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
